I'm trying to talk myself down, as we blog. Promise.

The posts have become increasingly depressing haven't they? I didn't used to blog about my family or anything in case they ever caught up with me. Also I used to use this blog to practice my writing on: but now I have another outlet, this is just a journal. I have been using it a lot for my emotional outpouring recently. I guess in some ways that's what it's for: I just hope I haven't depressed my internet stalker, who's been so happy recently! (Hi Sean!)

But anyway, I managed to step back a little yesterday, and realised I'm having anxiety attacks again, which I've suffered with several times in my life. I was like this before I went to uni the first time, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to make friends, and felt daunted by moving city. And during GCSEs. I used to cry, silently, through all my maths lessons. My books were crispy and wavy from tears. I had a massive panic attack as well, and couldn't breathe, but fortunately I've not had a repeat of that. This time it's lots of little things, mostly money and new uni worries, plus family and oddly, Christmas has been coming up a lot in my thoughts (I find Christmas really stressful). I think I've managed to get some perspective on that now though! And I got paid today, although I was also told I'd lost four days work as well. But still...that's the way this Summer has gone.

This anxiety feels horrible, but it's similar to how I felt when Dai and I started getting together...I could barely eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight...but I knew what it was, and it was coupled with a happiness and a giggly edginess that was quite fun. I wonder if he realised I felt like that. I worked hard to keep calm, but it was difficult! It's calmed down now, which is a good thing, but if I haven't seen him in a while, I still get butterflies. And yet, with the negative anxiety, having him around is the only thing that calms me.