Good news

My loan has been approved, so it looks like I really am on the course. The loan will cover my course fees (and rent) so it seems like I won't need to drop out due to extreme poverty, plus my family won't have to go through hell to support me through the next nine months. Which is great!

I'm in Cardiff!

So the day has finally arrived. This is my first blog post from Cardiff University. I'm in the Magazine suite, we've had an introductory talk and I am currently listening to some of the other students chat while we wait to enrol. It's unbelievably hot in all of the rooms here!

I haven't yet got my head around the fact that I am a post graduate student now - I remember being so awed by all the clever, resourceful postgrads who helped teach us at Swansea. I even had a favourite - James Beard. He's still there. He was so encouraging when I was a first year. Obviously, I'm not studying for a doctorate or anything, so it won't be quite the same. But it is very exciting. Everyone's going for drinks now...think I may soon be the only one left down here, typing into the computer (no change there then).

Anyway, we have a wealth of very 'sexy' (the deputy department director's words, not mine) equipment at our fingertips, and access to InDesign, and both PCs and AppleMacs in the lab, which is great, because I've not had chance to get to grips with Apples yet.
So I'm excited, and terrified, and feel out of my depth financially, but as I said to Timmy this morning, I worked my arse off to get on to this bloody course, and I'm not going to give it up easily.

They won't give up on me

Well it's getting close to me starting the course. Still having problems with funding, but my dad and Dai won't let me give up yet. They both say we'll work something out.

It's good people have faith in me. :-) Even when I don't.

I'm trying to talk myself down, as we blog. Promise.

The posts have become increasingly depressing haven't they? I didn't used to blog about my family or anything in case they ever caught up with me. Also I used to use this blog to practice my writing on: but now I have another outlet, this is just a journal. I have been using it a lot for my emotional outpouring recently. I guess in some ways that's what it's for: I just hope I haven't depressed my internet stalker, who's been so happy recently! (Hi Sean!)

But anyway, I managed to step back a little yesterday, and realised I'm having anxiety attacks again, which I've suffered with several times in my life. I was like this before I went to uni the first time, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to make friends, and felt daunted by moving city. And during GCSEs. I used to cry, silently, through all my maths lessons. My books were crispy and wavy from tears. I had a massive panic attack as well, and couldn't breathe, but fortunately I've not had a repeat of that. This time it's lots of little things, mostly money and new uni worries, plus family and oddly, Christmas has been coming up a lot in my thoughts (I find Christmas really stressful). I think I've managed to get some perspective on that now though! And I got paid today, although I was also told I'd lost four days work as well. But still...that's the way this Summer has gone.

This anxiety feels horrible, but it's similar to how I felt when Dai and I started getting together...I could barely eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight...but I knew what it was, and it was coupled with a happiness and a giggly edginess that was quite fun. I wonder if he realised I felt like that. I worked hard to keep calm, but it was difficult! It's calmed down now, which is a good thing, but if I haven't seen him in a while, I still get butterflies. And yet, with the negative anxiety, having him around is the only thing that calms me.

Found a flat!

Well, Timmy and I found a flat yesterday, which had the effect of scaring the life out of me. This is actually happening, and I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I'm not sure this is a good idea anymore. I was in a right state yesterday, but today I have busied myself writing letters and trying to finish my loan stuff. I'm still panicking, but I have to hang on and see what happens.

Dad complained I don't see the family much. Which is true, but because I work away it is the way it is, plus I miss Dai a lot, and he's working full-time. And going home reminds me of the divorce and makes me sad. But I'll be home tomorrow until Friday, because I have an appointment on Saturday as we're offically moving into Cardiff. The uncertainty about funding this course is doing my head in, but I can't give up until all the forms are in.

Dai tells me we'll get through this. I am finding it really hard.

I can't think of a title, sorry

I'm in the process of applying for loans and stuff to fund the course. Just now something strange happened. I have to write about things like my financial status, and why I need a loan, and I don't know how to do it. Not as in, I don't know how to write anymore, but I don't know how in-depth I should be going. Do they really want my life history? Do they want to know that my family is really struggling because my father is old, my mother left us and the divorce has cost us more than we ever dreamed...financially, emotionally and mentally? And I thought all of this and suddenly, I was crying.

How long is this going to go on for? Right now it seems to be getting worse, not better.

Oh and....

One week before my graduation, my parents became offically divorced.

Three years, one torn apart family, countless tears.

I thought that I would gain a sense of closure from it being finalised, but as the financial settlement is still on-going, it hasn't happened. I am beginning to suspect that actually, there will only be closure for me once I do it for myself. But I can't see me being able to until I feel independent from both my parents, and that won't be for a couple of years, I suspect.

The course is so expensive, and the loan available isn't enough. I need to do it, I want to do it, but right now, I'm worried I won't be able to. I have had enough of being broke...not being paid yet is frustrating me, but I'm back where I was a few months ago, wishing I was free to get a full-time job and come back later. But then, I think, it's now or never. Another year...and I'll be able to fly?

July is flying by

Well, T in the Park has been and gone. Fflam was cancelled, which is how I come to be sitting here typing this, rather than currently passing pre-poured pints over a bar. I should really say it was postponed. But I have doubts as to how good it'll be, seeing as they will have to re-book all the acts, and I can't imagine they'll get them all.

It was supposedly cancelled because of poor weather in the run-up to the event, which explains why it's suddenly so hot on the weekend it was due to be happening.

I'm working again next weekend. In the meantime, I'm going to try to set up some work experience on a magazine in Cardiff, and there's something else in the pipeline which should help me in my career. I'll tell what it is once it's sorted.

But what's really exciting is that I graduate on Monday! I've had my hair cut, and I bought a black shirt in Cardiff to wear, and a restaurant is booked for my family and Dai's, and Bethan, who's coming along too! I'm so excited. Above our bed at Dai's is all the cards and stuff I've been sent by my family and friends to congratulate me. And Nanny's making me a cake. I'm very spolit, as you can tell.

Mum and Nanny have been texting me with what they're wearing. I don't know what it's going to look like, but we'll see when they get there. The plan has been worked out to minute detail, and there's not much room for leeway - I'm making this a family occasion, and for more reasons than one - not only has it been a while since there was an academic do to go to in my family, but it's going to help unite my family, and no-one has met Dai's family, and it's at the point now where I'd like that to happen. Fortunately they feel the same way - both our parents have been making threats to go visit the others!

We've been preparing for the ball too - all we need now are masks! Dai tried on his suit again last night, with a borrowed shirt and bowite. Dad's bringing up some hand-tied ones. I've never been out with someone in a clip-on bowtie, and if I can help it, I'm not going to start now. What a snob! But I blame it on my Dad. He was in the RAF, and wouldn't be seen dead in a clip-on.

Anyway. I'm really excited about the whole thing, and am going to enjoy it as much as possible. After all, this is my first graduation. It's not going to happen again.

Busy...but not with anything useful

The ideas in the pipeline which I hinted about mean that this blog is now just a journal, rather than also a testing-station for my writing....not that anyone reads this crap anyway! But in any case, rumour has it next year I'm expected to blog something everyday, so I'd better get into the habit of being more regular.

The weather here has been gorgeous...this week I've done nothing useful, but I did take some stuff home, and spent a day in Cardiff with Dai, and went to Oakwood theme park - which was a really fun day, except the new ride did something to my neck - and yesterday was a meal and cocktail celebration to bid goodbye to a friend. Tonight is the SUCS (Swansea University Computer Society, funny name huh? Gotta love those geeks...and god knows I do!) beach barbeque. Now I'm not in SUCS, more of an associate, but that doesn't mean I won't be there with firewalls on. Ha. I'm not funny.

By the way, there's going to be a 'Potato Picnic' on the 1st July, starting from Girton Parish Church in Girton, Cambs, to walk to the trial GM potato site. Sounds like a fun, fluffy anti GM thing. Speaing of July, that's a busy month - I've got lots of work on, which is good. And graduation. Despite talking about it all the time, I still can't believe I'm going to have a degree.

New looks!

This blog had had a bit of a makeover. Pretty, huh? And much nicer than the pink, and I love pink, so that's saying something.

Well - I've done all I need to do for my course, so I'm kind of putting my house in order a bit, figuratively, and literally! I've got to get my stuff up here sorted so I can move out soon. I'll be going back to Plymouth, and then I'll be looking for a place in Cardiff for next year, and applying for loans and stuff to pay for the course.

I'm also listening to Gwen Stefani's The Sweet Escape (the album) on repeat at the moment, perhaps in an attempt to stop myself thinking about the parents and their divorce too much. Suffice to say, both sides are sharpening claws. Which is a shame because they all agreed to my plans for my graduation, but I'm dreading having to go home, and what it's going to be like when everyone's in the same room. They all want me to go home - which just makes me want to avoid it for as long as possible. Everyone seems to have theories about what the other is up to, and I've seriously had enough. And I will not be going to court.

Zander has had it tough too - he finally got a girlfriend and she messed him around in the worst possible way. Girls, think about the worst thing you could do...and then the actual worst. That was it. So he finished with her.

But other than that, my life is wonderful. I've got some great work lined up for the Summer, although more of it would be nice. Again, I'm stewarding at festivals. And there's some other ideas in the pipeline. Plus, let's not forget, I know what I'm going to do with my life. Well. Sort of.

April update...

I have news. I got a place on the Postgraduate Diloma in Magazine journalism course! I was very, very suprised. I got out of my interview and fell ill almost immediately, and I knew I hadn't done terribly well on at least the current affairs quiz. I was enthusiastic though, but I made a terrible joke...when I was going off on one about the new form of media, and how I wanted to be part of it, I mentioned that I was sure everyone was really excited about it..and the interviewer said 'Oh, you'd be suprised...people seem to think they're Canute or someone, but you can't stop it!' To which I replied, 'No, you can't stop the digital tide!'
It wasn't as bad as it sounds...but I can't believe they let me in after I said that cheesey phrase.
So now I need to get the money together. But at least, if I can, I'm on the course! It would have knocked my confidence very badly if I had been refused.
All the people from the Waterfront and Front who went for the magazine course have either got in or been put on the reserve list, which is great!
I stayed with Dai and his family for the interview, it was lovely, just staying there, working on my dissertation and spending time with them. We went back to Swansea for a few days then came down to Plymouth, where I've been trying to get some work done. Today I've managed to do a bit, and I'll be working in the pub a bit later. I've been given approximately a ton of chocolate and some wine for Easter, and Bethan's mum sent me down an Easter egg hunt game, which is really cool!
And it's my birthday soon. I've already had some gorgeous presents, and I'm going to have a quiet one this year as Dad's going into hospital. But that's ok. I'll be down for a bit, then heading back up to Swansea. Must get back to work now. Happy Easter!

Cross your fingers for me...

It's gone. The envelope has been sealed, the contents checked a hundred times. Even in my sleep; I woke last night with a terrible but unfounded fear I forgot to sign something. Applying for postgraduate courses isn't easy; the amount of hoops you need to jump through, forms to fill in and references to obtain, it feels almost like an entrance exam in itself.
So it's been sent and Cardiff should receive it just in time. My personal statement has been worked and reworked; I'm hoping to pull off another memorable statement like the one which got me into university despite my poor A-level grades. So cross any spare things you might have, fingers, toes, legs, if appropriate, and wish me luck, because I really want this. I think I've come a long way this year already; I want to keep this dream alive.
Here's hoping I get accepted.