Blame tears

Since my parents split up, there's been plenty of blame assignment. I've blamed my mother for almost everything that's ever gone wrong: I've been angry at her for not being there, for never calling, for leaving...the list goes on, and on. She (and her partner) have in turn blamed my father for the fact the finances aren't settled yet, for the divorce going on so long, for my brother's apathy. And it's this which has caused the problem today. Zander is supposedly applying to go to university this September. However it looks like he hasn't got his application in yet, and it's past the important date for UCAS. She blames my dad for this, saying he doesn't support him enough.

The thing is, no-one has supported him enough. He hasn't got the support of a school, and I'm in another country. My mother calls him from time to time, but won't call the business line of the pub in case my father picks up the phone, even though she knows Zander is often in there, especially in the evenings, when she calls. And she won't visit. The result is she rarely sees or speaks to him. My father has a policy of not nagging him to do anything. Zander is 19, so doesn't need nagging, but he does need support: and he's been missing a real family for nearly four years now.

I don't know what's going to happen. He has been let down badly. My parents are irretrivably embroiled in a petty fight which continues to hurt their children, and I worry this may hold Zander back from a successful and fulfilling adult life. I wish they had been able to put aside their feelings to look after Zander properly: I wish they'd been happy together. I wish a lot of things. I wish most of all that the divorce of my parents hadn't had such a massive impact on my life, that it didn't hurt the way it still does. They say time's a great healer: but it's four years on now, and I'm still crying about it.

I can't think of a title, sorry

I'm in the process of applying for loans and stuff to fund the course. Just now something strange happened. I have to write about things like my financial status, and why I need a loan, and I don't know how to do it. Not as in, I don't know how to write anymore, but I don't know how in-depth I should be going. Do they really want my life history? Do they want to know that my family is really struggling because my father is old, my mother left us and the divorce has cost us more than we ever dreamed...financially, emotionally and mentally? And I thought all of this and suddenly, I was crying.

How long is this going to go on for? Right now it seems to be getting worse, not better.

Oh and....

One week before my graduation, my parents became offically divorced.

Three years, one torn apart family, countless tears.

I thought that I would gain a sense of closure from it being finalised, but as the financial settlement is still on-going, it hasn't happened. I am beginning to suspect that actually, there will only be closure for me once I do it for myself. But I can't see me being able to until I feel independent from both my parents, and that won't be for a couple of years, I suspect.

The course is so expensive, and the loan available isn't enough. I need to do it, I want to do it, but right now, I'm worried I won't be able to. I have had enough of being broke...not being paid yet is frustrating me, but I'm back where I was a few months ago, wishing I was free to get a full-time job and come back later. But then, I think, it's now or never. Another year...and I'll be able to fly?

It's all coming to an end...

Well today I'm heading home again to take more stuff back. I'm going throuh all my clothes and taking all my posters and decorations down. It's the end of an era. I've lived in this house for two years, and it will be sad to leave. Before we leave, however ,we have to clean it, and the less stuff we have in it the better!

A divorce hearing for my parents happened yesterday. From what I understand, we are to sell our home and business and split the money equally between them. Dad has tried to secure some sort of inheritance for Zander and I, but it failed. I understand why: but I work on the premis that I have no inheritance. I hate it when people are basically waiting for their parents to die so they can inherit. But this decision means that I will have no base, and there will be no 'matrimonial' home. A recent conversation with my mum left me very angry when she implied we were no longer a family. But if she feels that way then that's fine by me. Even if that means I have no mother and have no idea who my biological father is. I'm not sure when the selling will all happen - maybe next year sometime. I think my mother will press to do it as soon as possible.

Anyhow, I need to press on with the sorting. My bike's going to have to go this time too. But it'll be back when I get to Cardiff. Maybe when everything gets sold I could get Dad to move to Wales! Now there's an idea!