Blame tears

Since my parents split up, there's been plenty of blame assignment. I've blamed my mother for almost everything that's ever gone wrong: I've been angry at her for not being there, for never calling, for leaving...the list goes on, and on. She (and her partner) have in turn blamed my father for the fact the finances aren't settled yet, for the divorce going on so long, for my brother's apathy. And it's this which has caused the problem today. Zander is supposedly applying to go to university this September. However it looks like he hasn't got his application in yet, and it's past the important date for UCAS. She blames my dad for this, saying he doesn't support him enough.

The thing is, no-one has supported him enough. He hasn't got the support of a school, and I'm in another country. My mother calls him from time to time, but won't call the business line of the pub in case my father picks up the phone, even though she knows Zander is often in there, especially in the evenings, when she calls. And she won't visit. The result is she rarely sees or speaks to him. My father has a policy of not nagging him to do anything. Zander is 19, so doesn't need nagging, but he does need support: and he's been missing a real family for nearly four years now.

I don't know what's going to happen. He has been let down badly. My parents are irretrivably embroiled in a petty fight which continues to hurt their children, and I worry this may hold Zander back from a successful and fulfilling adult life. I wish they had been able to put aside their feelings to look after Zander properly: I wish they'd been happy together. I wish a lot of things. I wish most of all that the divorce of my parents hadn't had such a massive impact on my life, that it didn't hurt the way it still does. They say time's a great healer: but it's four years on now, and I'm still crying about it.

The customer is always right

Just a short update - I had a wonderful Christmas, and a drunken New Year, thankyou very much, and all went well and it was less stressful, but still very busy. For a Christmas present from his parents, Dai and I went away to a CenterParcs for a long weekend - my first time on one of those holidays, but I hope not the last. It was awesome.
While I was at home, I saw some of my regulars, which was lovely. This was the last Christmas and New Year we're expecting to hold in the club, and it will be strange this year. One of the locals nearly made me cry (not hard, I know, but still) telling me how he watched me grow up and my family fall apart: but despite all that, he said he thinks I'm a strong person and that although it's not over yet, everyone has complete faith in me. Bless. If only I did half the time! I have to get back to revision now: like somebody on my course said earlier this week, blogging is so much more fun when you've got work to do!

Found a flat!

Well, Timmy and I found a flat yesterday, which had the effect of scaring the life out of me. This is actually happening, and I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I'm not sure this is a good idea anymore. I was in a right state yesterday, but today I have busied myself writing letters and trying to finish my loan stuff. I'm still panicking, but I have to hang on and see what happens.

Dad complained I don't see the family much. Which is true, but because I work away it is the way it is, plus I miss Dai a lot, and he's working full-time. And going home reminds me of the divorce and makes me sad. But I'll be home tomorrow until Friday, because I have an appointment on Saturday as we're offically moving into Cardiff. The uncertainty about funding this course is doing my head in, but I can't give up until all the forms are in.

Dai tells me we'll get through this. I am finding it really hard.

Oh and....

One week before my graduation, my parents became offically divorced.

Three years, one torn apart family, countless tears.

I thought that I would gain a sense of closure from it being finalised, but as the financial settlement is still on-going, it hasn't happened. I am beginning to suspect that actually, there will only be closure for me once I do it for myself. But I can't see me being able to until I feel independent from both my parents, and that won't be for a couple of years, I suspect.

The course is so expensive, and the loan available isn't enough. I need to do it, I want to do it, but right now, I'm worried I won't be able to. I have had enough of being broke...not being paid yet is frustrating me, but I'm back where I was a few months ago, wishing I was free to get a full-time job and come back later. But then, I think, it's now or never. Another year...and I'll be able to fly?

...and it's August already!

Graduation was awesome. All the family behaved themselves, (well, I'm not counting the mass cheering when I got up on stage) and everyone met Dai's family, although it was a little brief for some. We had a lovely meal at Spice in Swansea, and Nanny made me a fantastic cake.

The graduation ball was held in the Liberty Stadium, and that was fantastic as well. Dai and I stayed in a hotel, which was a real treat, and we had a great time. I worked in Surrey for Redhill Park music festival, which was unfortunately a little quiet, and was laughed at by an editor of a magazine when I asked about work experience becasue I have a degree in International Relations (not media), and last weekend we went to the Global Gathering. On the way there, things seemed oddly familiar...when we passed Eastnor Castle I realised why! This time last year I was there, working at the Big Chill. It's happening this weekend, but my company doesn't have the contract this year. Next work is at V. I'm hoping to be able to persuade my bosses that I can commute to Cardiff Calling/South West Four, as hopefully, I'll be installed in Cardiff then. I'm going househunting with my new flatmate on Monday. Fingers crossed we'll find a good place.

The Gathering was awesome, we had great time, apart from when it rained. Faithless were really good, and we were at the front, which was really cool, and I got to see Basement Jaxx, who I love anyway, and that was amazing. There was so much going on!

When we got back Dai was feeling ill: no suprise there, he works really hard, but it meant he was home for two days, so I've delayed going down to Plymouth for a day to spend time with him, which was, as always, lovely. Even if he was ill. So once I've got my stuff together I'm heading down to Devon for a few days, although I'll be back for the weekend, when Dai's at home. The next plan is to go to Paris for a few days at the beginning of September. I am so excited!

July is flying by

Well, T in the Park has been and gone. Fflam was cancelled, which is how I come to be sitting here typing this, rather than currently passing pre-poured pints over a bar. I should really say it was postponed. But I have doubts as to how good it'll be, seeing as they will have to re-book all the acts, and I can't imagine they'll get them all.

It was supposedly cancelled because of poor weather in the run-up to the event, which explains why it's suddenly so hot on the weekend it was due to be happening.

I'm working again next weekend. In the meantime, I'm going to try to set up some work experience on a magazine in Cardiff, and there's something else in the pipeline which should help me in my career. I'll tell what it is once it's sorted.

But what's really exciting is that I graduate on Monday! I've had my hair cut, and I bought a black shirt in Cardiff to wear, and a restaurant is booked for my family and Dai's, and Bethan, who's coming along too! I'm so excited. Above our bed at Dai's is all the cards and stuff I've been sent by my family and friends to congratulate me. And Nanny's making me a cake. I'm very spolit, as you can tell.

Mum and Nanny have been texting me with what they're wearing. I don't know what it's going to look like, but we'll see when they get there. The plan has been worked out to minute detail, and there's not much room for leeway - I'm making this a family occasion, and for more reasons than one - not only has it been a while since there was an academic do to go to in my family, but it's going to help unite my family, and no-one has met Dai's family, and it's at the point now where I'd like that to happen. Fortunately they feel the same way - both our parents have been making threats to go visit the others!

We've been preparing for the ball too - all we need now are masks! Dai tried on his suit again last night, with a borrowed shirt and bowite. Dad's bringing up some hand-tied ones. I've never been out with someone in a clip-on bowtie, and if I can help it, I'm not going to start now. What a snob! But I blame it on my Dad. He was in the RAF, and wouldn't be seen dead in a clip-on.

Anyway. I'm really excited about the whole thing, and am going to enjoy it as much as possible. After all, this is my first graduation. It's not going to happen again.