Halfway there...

Update on the fitness/weight loss front!

I did the weekly weigh-in today, and the scales tell me I'm halfway towards my goal of getting within the healthy range for my height. I have lost 16 lbs so far.

Now, I'm told BMI isn't everything (and I totally agree: think of all the 'skinny-fat' people you know - those thin people with no muscle tone or fitness) but I haven't yet changed my goal: I'd like to see if I CAN get there.

So what have I been doing?

Well, I've been packing super-healthy lunches for work, for a start. I've cut down my portions generally, and I exercise between five and seven times a week.

My workouts vary from some floor exercises (crunches, press-ups and planks mainly, as my main gripes are my stomach and arms), through to my personal plan at the gym and a master's swimming session which I go to on a Monday night. I also did a spinning class the other week, which was excellent: I'd like to start doing that regularly.

At the gym I do a cardio warm up followed by weight-training. The cross-trainer, which I used to call 'the machine of death' I now love, and the most-hated spot has been replaced by the wave machine, which is deadly dull, and if I over-do it hurts my knee. Rubbish. I've always liked weight-training as I'm quite strong and muscular for my size, and easily lift the same weight as most of the men in the gym. (Not the 'muscle marys', obviously, but the average gym going guy.)

Unfortunately, I've had to keep the running on hold as everytime I go out my knee plays up. I haven't been out for a few weeks now but have been quite focussed on getting my swimming back. With the help of most members of Dai's family, I've re-learned how to do crawl! So I go to master's, which is a really good, social workout, and from that I've taken some routines which I do when I go to the pool another couple times a week. Dai's sister comes to master's too, and she's a great swimmer and has helped me so much with my technique: she's also lost half a stone already which is great news!

I've been logging the distances I swim to raise money to fight malaria: I saw a lot of people suffering with the disease when I was in the Gambia and think it's a great cause. If you'd like to help out, visit my page at www.worldswimagainstmalaria.com/charlie -all donations gratefully recieved.

I will start running again: I hope that having lost some weight there will be less stress on the joints and that the weight training I've been doing to support my knee will help too. I am aware that I have been challenged to do the Great Gorilla run next year in London by a certain group of Magslags, (thanks, guys) and have to admit, I am well up for it! What is it? You'll have to visit www.greatgorillas.org/london to find out!

So at the moment I'm getting back from work around seven and I go straight to the leisure centre to do a workout (apart from Monday: master's is a late class). I worry Dai is feeling like a gym widow as I don't get back until eight or half eight. However, I very rarely do anything sporty on a Saturday, and Sunday isn't so bad as I just pop out if I feel like it. My weekdays are busy! It's a good incentive not to work too late as I want to get home, and it really helps me unwind and switch off, so I think I'm a nicer person at home for it.

I'm still vegan (in case anyone wondered: it's unlikely to change, but you'd be surprised how often I am asked. I have been for seven years since September, by the way) so I've been upping my protein intake to support my exercise (almonds are currently very popular), and I have started taking a calcium supplement alongside the multivitamin with iron and evening primrose oil which I always take, just in case. I used to take a vitamin B supplement and a cranberry capsule as well: I might do so again but I always keep an eye on what I'm eating anyway.

So my plan for the next few weeks involve continuing this plan, but as my bike is finally up here I'll try to squeeze in some cycling as well at the weekend. Also: I will be going bikini shopping soon (had to buy new jeans last weekend: put it this way, I haven't worn this size for maybe ten years) for the holiday in November. We'll be taking the bikes on holiday too and I am SO looking forward to a relaxing week with cycling, swimming, badminton, something to do with high ropes and chilling in the spa.

So far, so good. I'll keep you posted on how it's going - and whether I find a bikini I'm actually happy in!

It's official, I'm shallow

Ok. I'm announcing this on my blog in the hope that I'll actually get on and do this. I want to have a healthy BMI. To do that, I need to lose 2 stone and 4 pounds, or 32 pounds.

That's a lot. More...than I thought. You'll probably know I'm vegan, and I'm not exactly adverse to exercise: in fact I'm quite keen on it. However, I also love food and I'm only five foot, which doesn't give me much room for manovre apart from, well, outwards.

My main problem with losing weight is not the dieting, or the exercise. It's the shallowness of it all. There's a voice in my head shouting, "Do you want to be taken seriously? Do you WANT to be like these orange people, obsessed with everything they ever eat? This is vainty!" And for me, vainty feel more sinful than anything I could ever eat. Yes I wear make up. Yes I do care how I look. However, serious weight loss is seriously VAIN in my eyes, which makes it a real battle.

The same voice shouts, "You've always been overweight! It's not going to change! You'll never do it!" Now. I've been heavier than this. I shed quite a few pounds a couple of years ago and at the time I was having a bit of a general change in my outlook on lots of things. I felt really guilty about it too. I'm lucky with Dai because I know he will support me. It feels different this time. I think I've realised that although cardio-vacsularly (is that a word?) speaking, I am probably as fit or fitter than I've ever been, due to the running, I am STILL too heavy. I'm 23. I need to conquer the voice NOW, and then deal with keeping it at bay before I give in and get bigger, or lose my fitness.

I don't even want to be thin. I suspect I will never be thin. But I can be healthy. Being healthy is far from being vain, so my goal is to lower my BMI from nearly 31 to under 25. I'm not asking for 20, or even 22. Under 25 - a healthy weight, will do me fine.

By November I hope to have lost enough to feel happier in a bikini when Dai and I go to CenterParcs - a stone, plus some toning would do it. I have no idea how long it will take for me to lose 32 lbs, but I hope to have a better idea soon and set myself a time goal to work towards. In the meantime, I'm joining the gym and going at least twice a week, plus keeping up the running a few times a week, walking in my lunch breaks and fitting in some regular swimming (which I love) too.

As to the diet I'm cutting down on the portions. My actual foods aren't too bad, although I'm cutting out the crisps (which were beginning to feature a bit too much) and ice cream (same) and down on the alcohol (two glasses of wine this week, not too bad) and sugar (not too much of a problem).

It needs to be something I can live with, but I have found that my health is increasingly important to me: I want to be as healthy as I can be. I'll try to blog my progress. This is the first step in ensuring I actually do it this time: keep your fingers crossed for me!

My perfect Christmas

I am not looking forward to Christmas. I kinda like it once it's there, but it's always far from ideal and I basically don't want to do this again this year. Yes, it sounds alright, but what I didn't post about was the stress, and dread and worry and the missing of Dai. Sad, but true, and like a spoilt child I want my own way at Christmas. Not that I'll get it, but never mind.

So here's my perfect Christmas. I've thought about it and I reckon it involves a small, warm dwelling in a remote area, preferably somewhere with a mountain nearby, a log fire and huge supply of logs, lots of food for me to cook, a television and some good films on DVD (in case there's nothing on). Plus some walking boots and warm coats to attempt the mountain with, or at least a walk. Oh - and Dai. And some wine, and various other drinks. And a working phone to chat to everyone on Christmas morning, before turning it off and going back to bed. A really lazy Christmas, filled with fluffy jumpers and even fluffier roast potatoes.

They won't give up on me

Well it's getting close to me starting the course. Still having problems with funding, but my dad and Dai won't let me give up yet. They both say we'll work something out.

It's good people have faith in me. :-) Even when I don't.

At home...missing Dai

Well, I've been home nearly a week now, and I'm feeling more in control. Of everything. Not to mention excited about going to Paris! I watched a bit of Moulin Rouge yesterday, as Dai had gone home after visiting for the weekend, and it did cheer me up a little.

I miss him so much when I'm not with him, but it's not the obsessive, suffocating feeling you'd expect. I don't need to do everything with him, I just like having him there. Uni worked quite well for us: we could let each other get on with important work, so long as we were in the same place. Apart, we used to procrastinate terribly online, with messenger and Facebook, so we actually got more done when we were together.

Now we're not at university, him going to work isn't a problem: I just love him kissing me goodbye in the morning, and being there when he gets home. Yes, I know, I'm awful, and it's bringing out the 1950's housewife in me, isn't it? I have to be careful, she's quite strong, and it's hard to resist the urge to make cakes and clean and wear skirts and a pinny all the time...

Anyway, I had a nice weekend, although we didn't do much...like I said, I just love having him around, and we don't have to do anything in particular. I worked here, and he messed around with a new phone he's been given, and we went out for dinner to the new Japanese place, which was absolutely gorgeous. We sat on the floor at small tables and drank warm sake, and Dai got to indulge his love of sushi, and I mine, of tofu.

But he returned to Wales yesterday in order to work this week, and I miss him already. In the past I've always treasured my independence, and prided myself on not missing my partner too much. I've never liked to spend too much time with one person, preferring my own company, and knowing I would find it impossible to live with anyone at close quarters.

But this time it's different. Somehow the things I prided myself on not so long ago have evaporated, and my defences broken through. Frightening for the old me, but now, for some reason, it's ok - I know I miss Dai because I love him, and the way I feel when we're apart I cherish, painful though it is, because I know it confirms that I want to be with him, and that he means the world to me.

I'm trying to talk myself down, as we blog. Promise.

The posts have become increasingly depressing haven't they? I didn't used to blog about my family or anything in case they ever caught up with me. Also I used to use this blog to practice my writing on: but now I have another outlet, this is just a journal. I have been using it a lot for my emotional outpouring recently. I guess in some ways that's what it's for: I just hope I haven't depressed my internet stalker, who's been so happy recently! (Hi Sean!)

But anyway, I managed to step back a little yesterday, and realised I'm having anxiety attacks again, which I've suffered with several times in my life. I was like this before I went to uni the first time, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to make friends, and felt daunted by moving city. And during GCSEs. I used to cry, silently, through all my maths lessons. My books were crispy and wavy from tears. I had a massive panic attack as well, and couldn't breathe, but fortunately I've not had a repeat of that. This time it's lots of little things, mostly money and new uni worries, plus family and oddly, Christmas has been coming up a lot in my thoughts (I find Christmas really stressful). I think I've managed to get some perspective on that now though! And I got paid today, although I was also told I'd lost four days work as well. But still...that's the way this Summer has gone.

This anxiety feels horrible, but it's similar to how I felt when Dai and I started getting together...I could barely eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight...but I knew what it was, and it was coupled with a happiness and a giggly edginess that was quite fun. I wonder if he realised I felt like that. I worked hard to keep calm, but it was difficult! It's calmed down now, which is a good thing, but if I haven't seen him in a while, I still get butterflies. And yet, with the negative anxiety, having him around is the only thing that calms me.

Found a flat!

Well, Timmy and I found a flat yesterday, which had the effect of scaring the life out of me. This is actually happening, and I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I'm not sure this is a good idea anymore. I was in a right state yesterday, but today I have busied myself writing letters and trying to finish my loan stuff. I'm still panicking, but I have to hang on and see what happens.

Dad complained I don't see the family much. Which is true, but because I work away it is the way it is, plus I miss Dai a lot, and he's working full-time. And going home reminds me of the divorce and makes me sad. But I'll be home tomorrow until Friday, because I have an appointment on Saturday as we're offically moving into Cardiff. The uncertainty about funding this course is doing my head in, but I can't give up until all the forms are in.

Dai tells me we'll get through this. I am finding it really hard.

...and it's August already!

Graduation was awesome. All the family behaved themselves, (well, I'm not counting the mass cheering when I got up on stage) and everyone met Dai's family, although it was a little brief for some. We had a lovely meal at Spice in Swansea, and Nanny made me a fantastic cake.

The graduation ball was held in the Liberty Stadium, and that was fantastic as well. Dai and I stayed in a hotel, which was a real treat, and we had a great time. I worked in Surrey for Redhill Park music festival, which was unfortunately a little quiet, and was laughed at by an editor of a magazine when I asked about work experience becasue I have a degree in International Relations (not media), and last weekend we went to the Global Gathering. On the way there, things seemed oddly familiar...when we passed Eastnor Castle I realised why! This time last year I was there, working at the Big Chill. It's happening this weekend, but my company doesn't have the contract this year. Next work is at V. I'm hoping to be able to persuade my bosses that I can commute to Cardiff Calling/South West Four, as hopefully, I'll be installed in Cardiff then. I'm going househunting with my new flatmate on Monday. Fingers crossed we'll find a good place.

The Gathering was awesome, we had great time, apart from when it rained. Faithless were really good, and we were at the front, which was really cool, and I got to see Basement Jaxx, who I love anyway, and that was amazing. There was so much going on!

When we got back Dai was feeling ill: no suprise there, he works really hard, but it meant he was home for two days, so I've delayed going down to Plymouth for a day to spend time with him, which was, as always, lovely. Even if he was ill. So once I've got my stuff together I'm heading down to Devon for a few days, although I'll be back for the weekend, when Dai's at home. The next plan is to go to Paris for a few days at the beginning of September. I am so excited!

July is flying by

Well, T in the Park has been and gone. Fflam was cancelled, which is how I come to be sitting here typing this, rather than currently passing pre-poured pints over a bar. I should really say it was postponed. But I have doubts as to how good it'll be, seeing as they will have to re-book all the acts, and I can't imagine they'll get them all.

It was supposedly cancelled because of poor weather in the run-up to the event, which explains why it's suddenly so hot on the weekend it was due to be happening.

I'm working again next weekend. In the meantime, I'm going to try to set up some work experience on a magazine in Cardiff, and there's something else in the pipeline which should help me in my career. I'll tell what it is once it's sorted.

But what's really exciting is that I graduate on Monday! I've had my hair cut, and I bought a black shirt in Cardiff to wear, and a restaurant is booked for my family and Dai's, and Bethan, who's coming along too! I'm so excited. Above our bed at Dai's is all the cards and stuff I've been sent by my family and friends to congratulate me. And Nanny's making me a cake. I'm very spolit, as you can tell.

Mum and Nanny have been texting me with what they're wearing. I don't know what it's going to look like, but we'll see when they get there. The plan has been worked out to minute detail, and there's not much room for leeway - I'm making this a family occasion, and for more reasons than one - not only has it been a while since there was an academic do to go to in my family, but it's going to help unite my family, and no-one has met Dai's family, and it's at the point now where I'd like that to happen. Fortunately they feel the same way - both our parents have been making threats to go visit the others!

We've been preparing for the ball too - all we need now are masks! Dai tried on his suit again last night, with a borrowed shirt and bowite. Dad's bringing up some hand-tied ones. I've never been out with someone in a clip-on bowtie, and if I can help it, I'm not going to start now. What a snob! But I blame it on my Dad. He was in the RAF, and wouldn't be seen dead in a clip-on.

Anyway. I'm really excited about the whole thing, and am going to enjoy it as much as possible. After all, this is my first graduation. It's not going to happen again.

Just a little update from me

I've been moving Dai out today and yesterday. I rather gulitily filled his roof cuboard thing with my crap last week, but it'll be moving soon...well as I soon as I go home. I'll be working at fflam the weekend before graduation, so if you come to the bar I could be serving your pint!

First job however is T in the Park. I'm stewarding, and it's going to be LONG shifts, but it's not too long a period, just 5 days. But it's a long way to go from Cardiff. Not ooking forward to the coach journey that's for sure!

I'm leaving Swansea for a while now, I'm going to miss it, but I know I'll be back. Everything at home, by the way, is becoming clearer - looks like we might have the divorce agreement settled soon.

Anyway for the first time ever Dai is in bed before me. I think he's trying to seek my attention so we can watch West Wing on the laptop. Makes a change - normally he's the one tapping away at a computer while I'm falling asleep.

End of degree numbers!

Numbers for my end of degree:

1450 - approximate number of words I handed in last week.

5 - bottles of cola Dai and I drank last week to keep us going. Also the number of tickets I've requested for my graduation ceremony.

9 - days left of University for me - my big presentation is on the 18th, and that's the last thing.

5531 - how much my fees (in pounds) probably are next year.

19 - the number of journals in my bibliography of my dissertation.

26 - how much it cost to have my ballgown dry-cleaned. It was worth it though, it looks stunning now. I'll be wearing it tomorrow night at the Media Awards.

10 - the number of issues of Waterfront I have been Features Editor for.

It's nearly over. I had my last Waterfront meeting last night, so we all went for a drink, but we're all going to be at the media awards so that's probably our last social.

They said to us last year that the third year would be our most enjoyable year, and they weren't wrong. But it wasn't for the reasons they thought it would be - the course was better last year, I thought. But the paper's been brilliant - I've realised what I want to do and I have a chance to have a stab at it.

It's scary to leave University. And although I really don't want to leave Swansea, I think I'm ready for something else now. New challenges lay ahead - just to deal with this presentation first!

April update...

I have news. I got a place on the Postgraduate Diloma in Magazine journalism course! I was very, very suprised. I got out of my interview and fell ill almost immediately, and I knew I hadn't done terribly well on at least the current affairs quiz. I was enthusiastic though, but I made a terrible joke...when I was going off on one about the new form of media, and how I wanted to be part of it, I mentioned that I was sure everyone was really excited about it..and the interviewer said 'Oh, you'd be suprised...people seem to think they're Canute or someone, but you can't stop it!' To which I replied, 'No, you can't stop the digital tide!'
It wasn't as bad as it sounds...but I can't believe they let me in after I said that cheesey phrase.
So now I need to get the money together. But at least, if I can, I'm on the course! It would have knocked my confidence very badly if I had been refused.
All the people from the Waterfront and Front who went for the magazine course have either got in or been put on the reserve list, which is great!
I stayed with Dai and his family for the interview, it was lovely, just staying there, working on my dissertation and spending time with them. We went back to Swansea for a few days then came down to Plymouth, where I've been trying to get some work done. Today I've managed to do a bit, and I'll be working in the pub a bit later. I've been given approximately a ton of chocolate and some wine for Easter, and Bethan's mum sent me down an Easter egg hunt game, which is really cool!
And it's my birthday soon. I've already had some gorgeous presents, and I'm going to have a quiet one this year as Dad's going into hospital. But that's ok. I'll be down for a bit, then heading back up to Swansea. Must get back to work now. Happy Easter!

Divorce, St. David's Day and dissertation

The dissertation draft is due in soon. As is the Researching Politics (Child Soldiers) group report. So I'm snowed under. Again. Plus I have another application form, or actually a few. Some are for funding, but I'm also applying to the Telegraph. They're offering apprenticeships, basically. The application is ten pages long. The funding letters are more vauge 'set out personal circumstances'. Don't ask for my life history, because you will surely get it.
The list has gone up for graduations ceremonies. Not until July. But that makes no difference. The fact is that the two people who brought me up hate each other to the extent that they cannot be left in the same room together and their silly divorce is going through court as we speak. It's completely unecessary, but there it is. Currently, I'm disgusted with both of them. The word is we only get two tickets for graduation. I thought about it and got quite stressed. This is going to be an important day. I thought about the options, and combinations, and decided I couldn't invite anyone. I was at Dai's parents house. I could invite them, I joked. Better than no one to be happy for me.
But I've thought about it some more. I think I might invite both my parents. Maybe I'll tell them the other's going, maybe I won't until they ask. I will however make it as difficult as possible for them to say no. That'll force them to get their act together, and if they don't, then they don't love me. I shall also reserve the right to completely ignore them if they act up and refuse to referee.
Childish? Maybe. but sometimes it does people good to have a taste of their own medicine.