Magazine stuff

*For the record, trying to organise this course is doing my head in. And I'm about to go on holiday, which is great, but...damn banks with their bad timing!*

All the magazine blogs are talking about Teen Mags. Apparently Teen Mags are going under because their readers, particularly teen girls, are switching to 'adult' titles at an ever-increasingly-earlier age. Ummm...yeah. It's not exactly new. I didn't read Teen Mags. By the time I saw one, (maybe aged 15?) they seemed childish, and I was reading Cosmopolitan. Which I ceased reading when I was 16, feeling the celeb gossip and pop psychology was immature. In the spirit of the other magbloggers (who monitor their offspring's magazine tastes), although I don't have children, I would like to anecdotally refer to my boyfriend's younger sister, who reads Glamour. (And, in all probability, others, but I know she particularly likes Glamour).

Glamour seems to have caputured quite a lot of the female 'teen' market actually, whether intentionally or not, but I know a lot of 22 year olds read it too. In fact, I quite enjoy it, and I'm very hard to please. I like food magzines, but obviously, as a vegan, prefer Vegetarian Magazine (from the BBC). I subscribe to Scarlet, which is my all-time favourite mag, and I'm on a Marie Claire trial. I'm keeping an eye on Marie Claire, it's changed a lot since I last read it. I also love Good Housekeeping, and am sure others would too, if they changed the title name. No one wants to be a housewife, but it's a very good magazine. Again, aimed at way above my age. Looks like that's one trend that's set to continue!

At home...missing Dai

Well, I've been home nearly a week now, and I'm feeling more in control. Of everything. Not to mention excited about going to Paris! I watched a bit of Moulin Rouge yesterday, as Dai had gone home after visiting for the weekend, and it did cheer me up a little.

I miss him so much when I'm not with him, but it's not the obsessive, suffocating feeling you'd expect. I don't need to do everything with him, I just like having him there. Uni worked quite well for us: we could let each other get on with important work, so long as we were in the same place. Apart, we used to procrastinate terribly online, with messenger and Facebook, so we actually got more done when we were together.

Now we're not at university, him going to work isn't a problem: I just love him kissing me goodbye in the morning, and being there when he gets home. Yes, I know, I'm awful, and it's bringing out the 1950's housewife in me, isn't it? I have to be careful, she's quite strong, and it's hard to resist the urge to make cakes and clean and wear skirts and a pinny all the time...

Anyway, I had a nice weekend, although we didn't do much...like I said, I just love having him around, and we don't have to do anything in particular. I worked here, and he messed around with a new phone he's been given, and we went out for dinner to the new Japanese place, which was absolutely gorgeous. We sat on the floor at small tables and drank warm sake, and Dai got to indulge his love of sushi, and I mine, of tofu.

But he returned to Wales yesterday in order to work this week, and I miss him already. In the past I've always treasured my independence, and prided myself on not missing my partner too much. I've never liked to spend too much time with one person, preferring my own company, and knowing I would find it impossible to live with anyone at close quarters.

But this time it's different. Somehow the things I prided myself on not so long ago have evaporated, and my defences broken through. Frightening for the old me, but now, for some reason, it's ok - I know I miss Dai because I love him, and the way I feel when we're apart I cherish, painful though it is, because I know it confirms that I want to be with him, and that he means the world to me.

I'm trying to talk myself down, as we blog. Promise.

The posts have become increasingly depressing haven't they? I didn't used to blog about my family or anything in case they ever caught up with me. Also I used to use this blog to practice my writing on: but now I have another outlet, this is just a journal. I have been using it a lot for my emotional outpouring recently. I guess in some ways that's what it's for: I just hope I haven't depressed my internet stalker, who's been so happy recently! (Hi Sean!)

But anyway, I managed to step back a little yesterday, and realised I'm having anxiety attacks again, which I've suffered with several times in my life. I was like this before I went to uni the first time, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to make friends, and felt daunted by moving city. And during GCSEs. I used to cry, silently, through all my maths lessons. My books were crispy and wavy from tears. I had a massive panic attack as well, and couldn't breathe, but fortunately I've not had a repeat of that. This time it's lots of little things, mostly money and new uni worries, plus family and oddly, Christmas has been coming up a lot in my thoughts (I find Christmas really stressful). I think I've managed to get some perspective on that now though! And I got paid today, although I was also told I'd lost four days work as well. But still...that's the way this Summer has gone.

This anxiety feels horrible, but it's similar to how I felt when Dai and I started getting together...I could barely eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight...but I knew what it was, and it was coupled with a happiness and a giggly edginess that was quite fun. I wonder if he realised I felt like that. I worked hard to keep calm, but it was difficult! It's calmed down now, which is a good thing, but if I haven't seen him in a while, I still get butterflies. And yet, with the negative anxiety, having him around is the only thing that calms me.

Found a flat!

Well, Timmy and I found a flat yesterday, which had the effect of scaring the life out of me. This is actually happening, and I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I'm not sure this is a good idea anymore. I was in a right state yesterday, but today I have busied myself writing letters and trying to finish my loan stuff. I'm still panicking, but I have to hang on and see what happens.

Dad complained I don't see the family much. Which is true, but because I work away it is the way it is, plus I miss Dai a lot, and he's working full-time. And going home reminds me of the divorce and makes me sad. But I'll be home tomorrow until Friday, because I have an appointment on Saturday as we're offically moving into Cardiff. The uncertainty about funding this course is doing my head in, but I can't give up until all the forms are in.

Dai tells me we'll get through this. I am finding it really hard.

I can't think of a title, sorry

I'm in the process of applying for loans and stuff to fund the course. Just now something strange happened. I have to write about things like my financial status, and why I need a loan, and I don't know how to do it. Not as in, I don't know how to write anymore, but I don't know how in-depth I should be going. Do they really want my life history? Do they want to know that my family is really struggling because my father is old, my mother left us and the divorce has cost us more than we ever dreamed...financially, emotionally and mentally? And I thought all of this and suddenly, I was crying.

How long is this going to go on for? Right now it seems to be getting worse, not better.

Oh and....

One week before my graduation, my parents became offically divorced.

Three years, one torn apart family, countless tears.

I thought that I would gain a sense of closure from it being finalised, but as the financial settlement is still on-going, it hasn't happened. I am beginning to suspect that actually, there will only be closure for me once I do it for myself. But I can't see me being able to until I feel independent from both my parents, and that won't be for a couple of years, I suspect.

The course is so expensive, and the loan available isn't enough. I need to do it, I want to do it, but right now, I'm worried I won't be able to. I have had enough of being broke...not being paid yet is frustrating me, but I'm back where I was a few months ago, wishing I was free to get a full-time job and come back later. But then, I think, it's now or never. Another year...and I'll be able to fly?

...and it's August already!

Graduation was awesome. All the family behaved themselves, (well, I'm not counting the mass cheering when I got up on stage) and everyone met Dai's family, although it was a little brief for some. We had a lovely meal at Spice in Swansea, and Nanny made me a fantastic cake.

The graduation ball was held in the Liberty Stadium, and that was fantastic as well. Dai and I stayed in a hotel, which was a real treat, and we had a great time. I worked in Surrey for Redhill Park music festival, which was unfortunately a little quiet, and was laughed at by an editor of a magazine when I asked about work experience becasue I have a degree in International Relations (not media), and last weekend we went to the Global Gathering. On the way there, things seemed oddly familiar...when we passed Eastnor Castle I realised why! This time last year I was there, working at the Big Chill. It's happening this weekend, but my company doesn't have the contract this year. Next work is at V. I'm hoping to be able to persuade my bosses that I can commute to Cardiff Calling/South West Four, as hopefully, I'll be installed in Cardiff then. I'm going househunting with my new flatmate on Monday. Fingers crossed we'll find a good place.

The Gathering was awesome, we had great time, apart from when it rained. Faithless were really good, and we were at the front, which was really cool, and I got to see Basement Jaxx, who I love anyway, and that was amazing. There was so much going on!

When we got back Dai was feeling ill: no suprise there, he works really hard, but it meant he was home for two days, so I've delayed going down to Plymouth for a day to spend time with him, which was, as always, lovely. Even if he was ill. So once I've got my stuff together I'm heading down to Devon for a few days, although I'll be back for the weekend, when Dai's at home. The next plan is to go to Paris for a few days at the beginning of September. I am so excited!